FMS dilators for tense pelvic floor

Bettina S., 17.03.21:
I have not given birth to any children. I have had cancer surgery in the external genital area - excision of tumorous tissue - but no chemotherapy or radiotherapy, nor any narrowing due to scar tissue.
My former partner (of 28 years) could only orgasm if I tensed all my muscles. This meant that I could never let go, could not have an orgasm during intercourse, was unresponsive due to a lack of foreplay, was in pain and had refused sex for the last 5 years. Now I have met a nice, sensitive man who (but) has a large penis. Unfortunately, this means that sexual intercourse is almost impossible - or only possible with great pain. 38 mm diameter is the absolute limit for aids after a long "warm-up phase". I can hardly imagine that my pelvic floor muscles are so strong, as I have problems holding urine even when I have a small cold.

Answer: The cancer operation does not seem to have had any influence on your issue, at least physically. It seems to me that it is more the state and course of your long-term relationship. It is evident that the main concern was to satisfy your partner. A large part of your issue is certainly due to your tensing up during sex over the years, because it was obviously not about your desire or pleasure, but the focus was on the man. I suspect that this has given you a hypertonic pelvic floor that is extremely tense, even tight. And such a pelvic floor is not strong, and can even be the cause of incontinence. Furthermore, I can only advise you not to have vaginal sex with your new partner when it is painful. You will immediately get into a spiral: fear - pain - tension, which creates even more pain - even more fear - even more tension, etc.
I wholeheartedly recommend regular "training" with FMS dilators . Start with a size that you can easily handle, loosen your muscles by moving back and forth, and slowly increase the speed and size. You can only touch the limit of your personal comfort, but never exceed it or feel pain, which would be completely counterproductive. The method of use described here also applies to your situation: https://theros.de/en/pages/use-of-dilators-for-vaginismus Also read the instructions for use , which contain important tips on your "mindset". Good luck!